number 27

I've decided to add a new item to the list:

27. Challenge myself.

Today, I pushed myself a bit harder than I have been on the treadmill (17), and I feel good because of it. Actually, I feel tired because of it. But I also feel good, accomplished. It's silly how the littlest things can sometimes seem like accomplishments: I ran an extra half mile today, I finished putting all my cds into books (a 9am to 4pm with a half-hour break accomplishment), and I haven't had a life-interrupting headache in over a week now. While these feats are small, they feel like something. Today, they feel like something.

I liken the feeling to that of putting together a jigsaw puzzle. When I put together a puzzle, I'm proud - "You see that picture? I'm responsible for that. Without me it would just be a thousand random pieces stuffed into a box. I made it into a picture." - even though in the grand scheme of things I realize I've just spent hours of my life rearranging little bits of cardboard to make a picture that I've already seen.

Now back to the addition to the list. I think I have a tendency to settle into doing things at a level that I'm good at or comfortable with. For whatever reason, I haven't really been pushing myself to that next level. So, that's my new goal. To raise the bar. To fall on my ass. To succeed. To accomplish.

Most of today was spent on the cd project, but I did get to do some yogalates (10, 13, 16, 17), and an issue of McSweeney's came in the mail. So I'm going to go read some of that as soon as I'm finished here, see what kind of stories are getting published these days.

I feel as though I'm forgetting to mention something I did toward the list today. But it's not coming.

I'm grateful for Case Logic cd storage books and a sudden lack of clutter (20).

so many cds

Today was a little bit of a disappointment. I was planning on meeting with a professor about my job search this afternoon, but she ended up having to leave town. It sounds like I'll be able to meet with her on Wednesday instead. So I guess things could be quite a bit worse. I'm just eager to get going on things. What did I do instead? I cleaned (24). Actually, a lot of the 'cleaning' involved me transferring my cd collection from jewel cases to those books of sleeves. I worked on it for a looooong time and I'm only through e. So, tomorrow should be fun finishing that.

I wrote quite a bit today (2), but it's starting to feel like I've gone in the wrong direction with the main character. So I may have to backtrack or even start over on my most recent project. But I'll look at it again over the next couple of days to see where it stands.

Yeah, it was a boring day from the perspective of anyone else but me. Maybe on days like this I should write about something other than my day and then just do a little list of my accomplishments toward the end. Well, it's not too late to do part of that.

10, 13, 16, 17. treadmill, yogalates, diet

21. I actually sent an email to Piwok yesterday, and she responded today. So that's a start toward getting back in touch with her.

I'm grateful for twinsissy, who today pointed me toward some reviews of the headache book/diet that I'm now on that were very encouraging. It seems this approach worked for a lot of people. I'm also grateful (and hopeful) for whatever this cause is that z-man is going to tell me about (20).

the headache diet

So. . . um. . . yeah. . . what happened to today? It started off like normal: bowl of cereal, treadmill (17), shower, toothbrush, floss, deodorant. . . then what happened with the rest of the day? Looking back, it seems like all I did was pick out some recipes that fit into my new diet (16), go to the store to buy things for my new diet, take care of some email, cook dinner (with some guidance from my mom) (19), eat dinner, and yogalatesize (10, 13, 16, 17). That doesn't seem like it should've taken all day. However, when you consider that I can no longer eat most of the foods I am used to eating and that most of the time in the store was spent frowning at labels and cursing MSG for being so savory that every manufacturer insists upon using it in their delectable products, the day could've seemed a lot longer than it did. I don't know if the new diet is going to be helpful for my head or not, but I have been feeling a lot better over the past week than I have in a long, long time. I think the combination of exercise, drive, optimism, and kind words have done wonders for my physical state of being. . . I think I'll cut this post a bit short tonight. I'm tired. I had hoped to do more today, but the stuff that I was doing seemed to get in the way of me doing stuff. . .

I'm grateful for beds and floofy pillows and warm blankets (20).

On not becoming a professional poker player. . .

So today my dad decided to take me to one of the casinos near the lake to check out the poker room. As it turns out, casinos are really really depressing. The place (and every other casino I've ever been to) was dark and smoky, and nobody was smiling. People were sitting at slot machines, collapsing their spines, drooping their shoulders, dumping coin after coin into noise factories, and frowning. Frowning while playing a game. One guy had just hit what seemed like a substantial jackpot on his machine, and he just scooped his winnings into a little plastic cup, scowling the whole while as if hitting such a big payout weren't the reason he sat down to play in the first place. The whole place was just so damned gloomy that my dad and I decided to just get something to eat at the restaurant and leave. By the way, if you don't think I'm serious about eliminating all migraine triggers from my diet, you should know that I told the waitress to hold the gravy (16) on my mashed potatoes. Hold the gravy. If that isn't serious, I just don't know what is.

So, this whole experience at the casino made me give up on the idea of ever really giving poker a serious shot as a profession. Why would I want to spend a lot of time in a place where people are miserable and I'm unable to do anything to cheer them up? I already had other reasons for not wanting to play poker seriously. This last one just pushed me over the top. First off, I wouldn't really want that kind of lifestyle. Crazy hours. No real security. Questionable company. Who needs that? Also, I sometimes have a moral issue with playing poker. If poker is indeed a game that favors players with skill, and if I am indeed a player with skill, is it right for me to use that skill to take money from people who don't have that skill? Isn't that kind of like a scam? I know that bad players know the risk when they sit down at a table. But I'm not sure if they really believe in the risk. I think a bad player probably sits down to a table convinced that something good will come out of the session. Isn't that how con artists work? Don't they take advantage of people's hope for something better. . . But I still enjoy the challenge of poker, the thrill of figuring out an opponent, the agony of not figuring out an opponent. It can be quite rewarding. . . The last of the reasons that I shouldn't be a professional poker player is that it doesn't really create any good or service. Isn't that what money is supposed to be exchanged for? If I win a big pot, what does the loser get in exchange for the money he just gave up? I think maybe I would rather spend my time trying to make something of use than trying to take something of use. . . I'll probably still play from time-to-time. I just won't pretend like I'm doing anything more than playing a game. . . Does this mean I should cross out number 1?

I felt really good after running this morning (17). It reminded me of a stupid little joke I half remember from when I was a kid:

Person 1: Why do you keep hitting yourself with that hammer?
Person 2: Because it will feel so good when I stop.

I know I haven't been back at the running for very long, but it feels like I'm already getting to the point where the run itself isn't as excruciating and the feeling afterwards is pretty amazing. Like I'm powerful, substantial. So I just have to keep that feeling in mind on the days when the running part is a struggle.

10. 13. 16. 17. Yogalates

24. cleaned

I'm grateful for Little Miss Sunshine and all the people who recommended that I see it (20). All the characters are so flawed and beautiful and. . . I should stop before I go spoiling things for anyone who hasn't seen it yet.

moron

I've gone over some of my previous posts, and I realize that the next item on The List should involve working in transitional sentences on this blog. But I've decided against that. Instead, the next item on The List is

26. Stop pacing. It doesn't do anything good for anyone involved.

I finished the big headache book today and started working on The 1-2-3 Program (16). The book was a lot of redundant filler, and the program itself boils down to eliminating "easy fixes (painkillers)," avoiding all foods that are known to be triggers (not just the ones I think are triggers for me), and if that doesn't do it, getting a prescription for preventive medication. So I've started working on steps 1 and 2, and I just have to say, I'm really going to miss chocolate. . . and coffee. . . and peanut butter. . . and bananas and cheese and flavored chips and hot dogs and virtually all frozen dinners and. . . It's going to take some getting used to.

Let me just start this section by telling everyone that I am a moron. A really really big moron. Today I got in touch with some of my professors from when I was in college and asked if they would give me a reference and if they had any suggestions for my job search (12). Well the first response I got was from crazyactivistprofessor (20) who said that he would be more than willing to refer me and also that he doesn't really hear about job opportunities, but he does hear about a lot of internships and that might be a good way to go for me because a lot of internships end up leading to jobs. Which is cool because his internships are usually with the government and non-profit organizations. So that could be a path toward a career that I would actually feel good about. Then, I got a response from coolfriendlyfirstnameprofessor (20), and she said that not only would she let me put her down as someone to call, she would start writing me a letter of reference right away. She also said that she was always getting tons of notices about writing jobs and that I should stop in her office sometime to talk about it. Plus, one of the other professors from the department has lots of good resources for finding even more writing jobs. So that would be cool, because a writing job. . . um. . . I want a writing job. . . heh. . . how's that for writing? . . So how does this make me a moron? Well, if I had gotten in touch with these nice folks as soon as I decided I wasn't going to become certified as a teacher, I would probably have a job right now. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am The King. . .

10. 13. 16. 17. two miles treadmill. yogalates

24. clean, clean, clean

2. write, stare at the screen, write, stare at the screen, write, stare, stare, write, stare, write, write

I want to end today by thanking the folks that read this blog, lurkers and commenters alike (20). Sometimes I feel myself starting to burrow into the earth of procrastination and think, "Hey, people are actually taking the time to read your blog. What will you say to them?" So, thanks.

flour storm

I'll start with a quick thanks to z-man (20). I haven't had a chance to go over the html tutorial site all that much, but it seems to be exactly what I'm looking for. Instead of boring you all with some of the more ho-hum details of The List, I'm going to just do a quick driveby of some of the drier stuff and then move on to the meat of today.

2. I wrote for two to three hours today. I also ordered a couple single issues of literary journals so I can become more familiar with the marketplace.

10. 13. 16. 17. two miles on the treadmill. more yogalates (Downward dog? More like downward bitch. That shit is hard.)

24. The cleaning continues.

12. Called about a job.

So, my mom showed me how to make chicken and dumplings today (19). That's one of those foods that just makes me warm and squishy inside because it was one of those big deal meals growing up. "Mom's making dumplings? Sweet! I'm skipping lunch." But the preparation of the meal in this instance was perhaps a bit lacking. Okay, so to make the dumplings, you mix up some flour and salt and pepper in the mixer. Then you add Crisco to the mix. Here's where it gets fun. I dumped the first glob of Crisco into the bowl and it immediately attached itself to the mixer, creating a rotating paddle perfectly designed for spraying flour all over the kitchen. So, my mom steps in and says, "No, you need to turn the mixer down first." So we did that. And then, once the Crisco was blended in, she said we could turn the mixer up again. Poof. More flour. More mess. Everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere.

I've made some serious progress in my reading of Heal Your Headache (16). The author, David Bucholz, M.D., claims that everyone is prone to migraine, that what is commonly referred to as a migraine (severe headache with vomiting, dizziness, photophobia, etc.) is an extreme case of what everyone deals with. Bucholz says that we all have a migraine mechanism that, when triggered, causes headaches, dizziness, nausea, stiff necks, bloody noses, sweating, chills, visual disturbances, congestion, inner-ear issues, tension, and so much more. If he's right and his system works, it would be pretty awesome for me because I've suffered quite a few of those symptoms. His system seems to be a long term one. So I'll let you know if it works for me after I've been at it for a while.

I'm grateful for the sweet old lady who lives next door. She always says and does the nicest things (20).

dust, yogalates, & wil wheaton

So, today I had a hard time getting started, but I did eventually get a fair amount done. The day began with me having to stop my time on the treadmill (17) a bit early due to flaming calves. But I did get my new yoga/pilates dvd today, and I gave that a spin (10, 13, 16, 17). It was actually really good for me. Only having done one of the sections on the dvd, I felt an immediate easing of a lot of my tension. So, thanks again piwok.

Most of my endeavours for the day involved the following addition to The List:

24. Clean stuff up.

The literary among you may try to make the fact that I'm cleaning my space into something symbolic of me cleaning my life, but I wish you wouldn't. The dust was pretty bad though. My throat got pretty sore. But it's getting better in here, almost livable.

I want to give a big thanks to IME (20) for pointing me to Wil Wheaton's blog. It's very good. I love his unabashed geekiness and the way he was lobbying for George Tekai to be cast in a broader variety of roles. Speaking of blogs, I need to cross number 3 off the list. But before I can do that, number 25 must be completed as well.

25. Look up HTML tags to update this blog.

I'll finish up with another thing I'm grateful for: chicken noodle soup (20).

The grind

So, I started today with two miles on the treadmill (17). I then wrote for an hour (2) before going out to pass resumes around town (12). I probably stopped at fifteen or twenty places and applied about 7 or 8 of them. A lot of places weren't hiring right now, but some of them said to leave a resume 'just in case.' The big deal for me today, however, was that I submitted a short story to The Southern Review. The whole process - editing, re-editing, writing the cover letter, addressing the envelopes (three of 'em), buying the right sized envelopes, and going to the post office to get the right postage and mail it - was far more involved and time consuming than I would have imagined. I know that editing takes a while, but it probably took me two hours to finish the rest of the stuff. Anyway, I felt good about the story the whole time I was preparing to send it out, and then the minute I handed it over to the nice woman at the post office, I almost wanted to ask for it back because I had a flash of insecurity that lasted until I got outside the building. It'll be two months before I get a response. So. Yeah. That should be a fun wait. I'm tired right now. I did more stuff today, some of which will receive a new item on the list soon, but nothing that is likely to be interesting for anyone to read about. I should get to sleep so I can get up early again tomorrow.

I'm grateful for the friendly strangers I met today (20).

Day one

Ok, so today started with a two-hour drive stretched into a two-and-a-half-hour drive by the slippery roads that sent at least twenty cars to a resting spot in the snow banks just beyond the shoulders. At first, due to my sleepiness and unease from the trip, I didn't accomplish much of anything after the drive. However, after a very brief nap I awoke with this almost panicked need to be doing something. So I got up, took a shower, and went out to get some clothes for job hunting (12), only to realize that the options for purchasing respectable men's clothing are quite limited in this town. I did manage to find a few shirts that were decent enough. Next, I got my haircut, as I had grown far more shaggy than a fine, upstanding individual like myself should be. I also bought a new set of guitar strings--which I later put on my guitar--while I was out, which doesn't quite handle number 14, but it is intended to lead up to it. I fixed dinner tonight--stew with biscuits (19). For those of you that don't know, if you're boiling something with a lid on the pot, water will collect on the underside of the lid. I knew this beforehand. I swear. But a belly stained with stew sweat seems to indicate otherwise.

I received my first two comments today. Both of which helped me to achieve number 20 on The List. Piwok (a very clever name for someone who has spent some time in the Jedi Forest) recommended a dvd that would help me with 10, 13, 16, and 17. Not being one to put things off anymore, I ordered it right away, and it's due to arrive on Wednesday. So, I maybe haven't gotten to the point of crossing anything off the list yet, but I have gotten starts for a bunch of them. Also, I made the call to officially pass on the apartment I had lined up because it was far too expensive and I don't want to be bumming half the rent from my parents every month. I know that seems to contradict item number 8, but my new plan has me very briefly postponing number 8. The plan is as follows:

Tomorrow, I litter my resume around this town at anyplace that will take it. Then, once I have a job here, I will start sending out my resume to employers in some of the larger cities that I am interested in living in. If after two weeks of vigorous applying I have not found a job in another city, I will start looking for a place in this area with a month-to-month lease. That way, when I get that big-city job, I won't be tied up by a one-year lease in this town.

I've also added a few new items to the list.

21. Get back in touch with Piwok. She's probably the oldest friend I have, and it's ridiculous that I've lost touch with her.

22. Eliminate mindless distractions. I've already started on this one by removing quite a few games and other distractions from my computer. I've also vowed to limit my tv watching to four specific shows.

23. Start performing again. Today, while stringing my guitar, I actually began to miss it.

Alright, I know it doesn't sound like much. But it's a start. And I'm actually quite optimistic about my new employment/housing plan. It seems like a better way to go than entering into a lease I probably wouldn't be able to afford even if I did have a job. . . The night is still a bit early, and I plan on working on number 2 by writing a bit tonight and number 16 by starting to read the book "Heal Your Headache." Anyway, sorry if this post wasn't as interesting as the previous. Hopefully tomorrow should be more interesting.

The List

I just got my ass kicked. The funny thing is that earlier in the day I had told this person who means so much to me that I needed my ass kicked, and just a few hours ago she obliged. She kicked my ass hard and fast and over and over. Then she consoled me before kicking my ass again. Built me up. Kicked my ass. Built. Kicked. Built. Kicked. At the time, I couldn't really digest what was happening, but I did have a feeling that it was something important, something that required a swift and harsh response. But I had none. I was impotent. I was everything the ass-kicker had said multiplied by everything she didn't have to say. Every assertion that she made about my lack of drive was reinforced by my inability to convince her otherwise. She had me pegged, and I knew it. I gave in because she was right. I gave in because I always give in and wait. She was right. I have done nothing with my life. I sit and think to myself, "Tomorrow I will be the writer, the poker player, the black belt, the lover, the provider, the person that I really want to be." Then tomorrow comes, and I think "Well, I waited yesterday, and my life's no worse off. Maybe it won't be so bad to wait another day." But I was wrong. Each day wasted has lessened my quality of life. The change was so little that I didn't notice it while it was happening, but years upon years of days chipping away at who I am, who I'm trying to become, have left me just a splinter of what I hoped I would be at the age of 27. She suggested I make a list of goals and what have you, and I didn't take her seriously at the time. Then, less than an hour ago, my sister was talking me through the situation, and out of nowhere I said, "I want to go to Vegas, play poker. I'm good at it. I play online, and I'm good at it. But I've never played in person." I continued to list things that I want to do with my life, and my sister ran into the other room, got a pen and some paper, and said, "Write this down. You should make a list." Shit. Within a matter of hours, two women who mean a great deal to me, both told me I needed to make a fucking list. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm starting this blog as a part of that list and also to announce my intentions to the world. Below, you will find said list. In the coming days, weeks, months, and years, I will work toward every goal on this list. Every day I will do something major towards achieving at least one of these goals. As I plan to stop being static, this list, too, shall be dynamic. If I think of something new I would like to accomplish, I will put it on the list. I will fill this blog with updates on my progress. My hope is that by putting this out there where friends, family, and strangers can see it, I am somehow imposing accountability upon my quest. If I bring other people into this pact, it will be harder for me to break it. So feel free to leave a comment to build me up a little or kick my ass a lot. Or, tell people about this blog. Ask them to read it for my sake. The more people in on a pact, the stronger it becomes. Now that I've taken care of this preamble to the rest of my life, I'll move on to the list. But first I want to thank both my sister and the ass-kicker. I love you both a great deal, and you each may have given me exactly what I needed. Now, here it is:

THE LIST

1. Play poker seriously. Go to Vegas, the casino in the city down the road, anywhere, see if I really could be as good as I think.

2. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Until I'm finished writing. Then publish. I love to write. Why don't I do it more often?

3. Start a blog. I love reading blogs. I love to write. I should write a blog.

4. Learn to kiss. It's embarrassing how deep into my life I am without ever having learned to kiss.

5. Learn to swim. It's embarrassing how deep into my life I am without ever having learned to swim.

6. Earn a black belt. I've always wanted to be a black belt, ever since I saw The Karate Kid.

7. Have kids. Kids are good. Family is good.

8. Move out. I'm 27 and living with my parents again.

9. Get involved in a cause. There are so many things that I care about (the environment, education, human rights, etc.), and I do nothing to improve them.

10. Learn Yoga. I'm too stressed out.

11. Travel. I want to go places, to see the things that people see.

12. Pay the bills. I need to find a job that will pay the bills until my writing or poker-playing start paying the rent.

13. Fix my nerves. I'm too stressed out. I should try to be less stressed out.

14. Write a song and sing it at an open mic night. I have the start of so many songs that never get finished because I know I'll never sing them for anyone.

15. Convince her. It may be too late, but I will try.

16. Fix my head. Too many headaches are taking up too much of my life.

17. Exercise. This will probably help both the nerves and the headaches. Plus, it will help me to look good when I go topless to learn how to swim.

18. Get friends of my own. Most of my friends are either family or somehow connected to family.

19. Learn to cook. Everyone should probably know how to cook.

20. Be grateful everyday. Thinking about all the good things in life should help me to press on.

21. Get back in touch with Piwok. She's probably the oldest friend I have, and it's ridiculous that I've lost touch with her. (Feb. 5 2007)

22. Eliminate mindless distractions. I've already started on this one by removing quite a few games and other distractions from my computer. I've also vowed to limit my tv watching to four specific shows. (Feb. 5 2007)

23. Start performing again. Today, while stringing my guitar, I actually began to miss it. (Feb. 5 2007)

24. Clean stuff up. (Feb. 7 2007)

25. Look up HTML tags to update this blog. (Feb. 7 2007)

26. Stop pacing. It doesn't do anything good for anyone involved. (Feb. 9 2007)

27. Challenge myself. (Feb. 13 2007)