On not becoming a professional poker player. . .

So today my dad decided to take me to one of the casinos near the lake to check out the poker room. As it turns out, casinos are really really depressing. The place (and every other casino I've ever been to) was dark and smoky, and nobody was smiling. People were sitting at slot machines, collapsing their spines, drooping their shoulders, dumping coin after coin into noise factories, and frowning. Frowning while playing a game. One guy had just hit what seemed like a substantial jackpot on his machine, and he just scooped his winnings into a little plastic cup, scowling the whole while as if hitting such a big payout weren't the reason he sat down to play in the first place. The whole place was just so damned gloomy that my dad and I decided to just get something to eat at the restaurant and leave. By the way, if you don't think I'm serious about eliminating all migraine triggers from my diet, you should know that I told the waitress to hold the gravy (16) on my mashed potatoes. Hold the gravy. If that isn't serious, I just don't know what is.

So, this whole experience at the casino made me give up on the idea of ever really giving poker a serious shot as a profession. Why would I want to spend a lot of time in a place where people are miserable and I'm unable to do anything to cheer them up? I already had other reasons for not wanting to play poker seriously. This last one just pushed me over the top. First off, I wouldn't really want that kind of lifestyle. Crazy hours. No real security. Questionable company. Who needs that? Also, I sometimes have a moral issue with playing poker. If poker is indeed a game that favors players with skill, and if I am indeed a player with skill, is it right for me to use that skill to take money from people who don't have that skill? Isn't that kind of like a scam? I know that bad players know the risk when they sit down at a table. But I'm not sure if they really believe in the risk. I think a bad player probably sits down to a table convinced that something good will come out of the session. Isn't that how con artists work? Don't they take advantage of people's hope for something better. . . But I still enjoy the challenge of poker, the thrill of figuring out an opponent, the agony of not figuring out an opponent. It can be quite rewarding. . . The last of the reasons that I shouldn't be a professional poker player is that it doesn't really create any good or service. Isn't that what money is supposed to be exchanged for? If I win a big pot, what does the loser get in exchange for the money he just gave up? I think maybe I would rather spend my time trying to make something of use than trying to take something of use. . . I'll probably still play from time-to-time. I just won't pretend like I'm doing anything more than playing a game. . . Does this mean I should cross out number 1?

I felt really good after running this morning (17). It reminded me of a stupid little joke I half remember from when I was a kid:

Person 1: Why do you keep hitting yourself with that hammer?
Person 2: Because it will feel so good when I stop.

I know I haven't been back at the running for very long, but it feels like I'm already getting to the point where the run itself isn't as excruciating and the feeling afterwards is pretty amazing. Like I'm powerful, substantial. So I just have to keep that feeling in mind on the days when the running part is a struggle.

10. 13. 16. 17. Yogalates

24. cleaned

I'm grateful for Little Miss Sunshine and all the people who recommended that I see it (20). All the characters are so flawed and beautiful and. . . I should stop before I go spoiling things for anyone who hasn't seen it yet.

The List

I just got my ass kicked. The funny thing is that earlier in the day I had told this person who means so much to me that I needed my ass kicked, and just a few hours ago she obliged. She kicked my ass hard and fast and over and over. Then she consoled me before kicking my ass again. Built me up. Kicked my ass. Built. Kicked. Built. Kicked. At the time, I couldn't really digest what was happening, but I did have a feeling that it was something important, something that required a swift and harsh response. But I had none. I was impotent. I was everything the ass-kicker had said multiplied by everything she didn't have to say. Every assertion that she made about my lack of drive was reinforced by my inability to convince her otherwise. She had me pegged, and I knew it. I gave in because she was right. I gave in because I always give in and wait. She was right. I have done nothing with my life. I sit and think to myself, "Tomorrow I will be the writer, the poker player, the black belt, the lover, the provider, the person that I really want to be." Then tomorrow comes, and I think "Well, I waited yesterday, and my life's no worse off. Maybe it won't be so bad to wait another day." But I was wrong. Each day wasted has lessened my quality of life. The change was so little that I didn't notice it while it was happening, but years upon years of days chipping away at who I am, who I'm trying to become, have left me just a splinter of what I hoped I would be at the age of 27. She suggested I make a list of goals and what have you, and I didn't take her seriously at the time. Then, less than an hour ago, my sister was talking me through the situation, and out of nowhere I said, "I want to go to Vegas, play poker. I'm good at it. I play online, and I'm good at it. But I've never played in person." I continued to list things that I want to do with my life, and my sister ran into the other room, got a pen and some paper, and said, "Write this down. You should make a list." Shit. Within a matter of hours, two women who mean a great deal to me, both told me I needed to make a fucking list. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm starting this blog as a part of that list and also to announce my intentions to the world. Below, you will find said list. In the coming days, weeks, months, and years, I will work toward every goal on this list. Every day I will do something major towards achieving at least one of these goals. As I plan to stop being static, this list, too, shall be dynamic. If I think of something new I would like to accomplish, I will put it on the list. I will fill this blog with updates on my progress. My hope is that by putting this out there where friends, family, and strangers can see it, I am somehow imposing accountability upon my quest. If I bring other people into this pact, it will be harder for me to break it. So feel free to leave a comment to build me up a little or kick my ass a lot. Or, tell people about this blog. Ask them to read it for my sake. The more people in on a pact, the stronger it becomes. Now that I've taken care of this preamble to the rest of my life, I'll move on to the list. But first I want to thank both my sister and the ass-kicker. I love you both a great deal, and you each may have given me exactly what I needed. Now, here it is:

THE LIST

1. Play poker seriously. Go to Vegas, the casino in the city down the road, anywhere, see if I really could be as good as I think.

2. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Until I'm finished writing. Then publish. I love to write. Why don't I do it more often?

3. Start a blog. I love reading blogs. I love to write. I should write a blog.

4. Learn to kiss. It's embarrassing how deep into my life I am without ever having learned to kiss.

5. Learn to swim. It's embarrassing how deep into my life I am without ever having learned to swim.

6. Earn a black belt. I've always wanted to be a black belt, ever since I saw The Karate Kid.

7. Have kids. Kids are good. Family is good.

8. Move out. I'm 27 and living with my parents again.

9. Get involved in a cause. There are so many things that I care about (the environment, education, human rights, etc.), and I do nothing to improve them.

10. Learn Yoga. I'm too stressed out.

11. Travel. I want to go places, to see the things that people see.

12. Pay the bills. I need to find a job that will pay the bills until my writing or poker-playing start paying the rent.

13. Fix my nerves. I'm too stressed out. I should try to be less stressed out.

14. Write a song and sing it at an open mic night. I have the start of so many songs that never get finished because I know I'll never sing them for anyone.

15. Convince her. It may be too late, but I will try.

16. Fix my head. Too many headaches are taking up too much of my life.

17. Exercise. This will probably help both the nerves and the headaches. Plus, it will help me to look good when I go topless to learn how to swim.

18. Get friends of my own. Most of my friends are either family or somehow connected to family.

19. Learn to cook. Everyone should probably know how to cook.

20. Be grateful everyday. Thinking about all the good things in life should help me to press on.

21. Get back in touch with Piwok. She's probably the oldest friend I have, and it's ridiculous that I've lost touch with her. (Feb. 5 2007)

22. Eliminate mindless distractions. I've already started on this one by removing quite a few games and other distractions from my computer. I've also vowed to limit my tv watching to four specific shows. (Feb. 5 2007)

23. Start performing again. Today, while stringing my guitar, I actually began to miss it. (Feb. 5 2007)

24. Clean stuff up. (Feb. 7 2007)

25. Look up HTML tags to update this blog. (Feb. 7 2007)

26. Stop pacing. It doesn't do anything good for anyone involved. (Feb. 9 2007)

27. Challenge myself. (Feb. 13 2007)