The List

I just got my ass kicked. The funny thing is that earlier in the day I had told this person who means so much to me that I needed my ass kicked, and just a few hours ago she obliged. She kicked my ass hard and fast and over and over. Then she consoled me before kicking my ass again. Built me up. Kicked my ass. Built. Kicked. Built. Kicked. At the time, I couldn't really digest what was happening, but I did have a feeling that it was something important, something that required a swift and harsh response. But I had none. I was impotent. I was everything the ass-kicker had said multiplied by everything she didn't have to say. Every assertion that she made about my lack of drive was reinforced by my inability to convince her otherwise. She had me pegged, and I knew it. I gave in because she was right. I gave in because I always give in and wait. She was right. I have done nothing with my life. I sit and think to myself, "Tomorrow I will be the writer, the poker player, the black belt, the lover, the provider, the person that I really want to be." Then tomorrow comes, and I think "Well, I waited yesterday, and my life's no worse off. Maybe it won't be so bad to wait another day." But I was wrong. Each day wasted has lessened my quality of life. The change was so little that I didn't notice it while it was happening, but years upon years of days chipping away at who I am, who I'm trying to become, have left me just a splinter of what I hoped I would be at the age of 27. She suggested I make a list of goals and what have you, and I didn't take her seriously at the time. Then, less than an hour ago, my sister was talking me through the situation, and out of nowhere I said, "I want to go to Vegas, play poker. I'm good at it. I play online, and I'm good at it. But I've never played in person." I continued to list things that I want to do with my life, and my sister ran into the other room, got a pen and some paper, and said, "Write this down. You should make a list." Shit. Within a matter of hours, two women who mean a great deal to me, both told me I needed to make a fucking list. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm starting this blog as a part of that list and also to announce my intentions to the world. Below, you will find said list. In the coming days, weeks, months, and years, I will work toward every goal on this list. Every day I will do something major towards achieving at least one of these goals. As I plan to stop being static, this list, too, shall be dynamic. If I think of something new I would like to accomplish, I will put it on the list. I will fill this blog with updates on my progress. My hope is that by putting this out there where friends, family, and strangers can see it, I am somehow imposing accountability upon my quest. If I bring other people into this pact, it will be harder for me to break it. So feel free to leave a comment to build me up a little or kick my ass a lot. Or, tell people about this blog. Ask them to read it for my sake. The more people in on a pact, the stronger it becomes. Now that I've taken care of this preamble to the rest of my life, I'll move on to the list. But first I want to thank both my sister and the ass-kicker. I love you both a great deal, and you each may have given me exactly what I needed. Now, here it is:

THE LIST

1. Play poker seriously. Go to Vegas, the casino in the city down the road, anywhere, see if I really could be as good as I think.

2. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Until I'm finished writing. Then publish. I love to write. Why don't I do it more often?

3. Start a blog. I love reading blogs. I love to write. I should write a blog.

4. Learn to kiss. It's embarrassing how deep into my life I am without ever having learned to kiss.

5. Learn to swim. It's embarrassing how deep into my life I am without ever having learned to swim.

6. Earn a black belt. I've always wanted to be a black belt, ever since I saw The Karate Kid.

7. Have kids. Kids are good. Family is good.

8. Move out. I'm 27 and living with my parents again.

9. Get involved in a cause. There are so many things that I care about (the environment, education, human rights, etc.), and I do nothing to improve them.

10. Learn Yoga. I'm too stressed out.

11. Travel. I want to go places, to see the things that people see.

12. Pay the bills. I need to find a job that will pay the bills until my writing or poker-playing start paying the rent.

13. Fix my nerves. I'm too stressed out. I should try to be less stressed out.

14. Write a song and sing it at an open mic night. I have the start of so many songs that never get finished because I know I'll never sing them for anyone.

15. Convince her. It may be too late, but I will try.

16. Fix my head. Too many headaches are taking up too much of my life.

17. Exercise. This will probably help both the nerves and the headaches. Plus, it will help me to look good when I go topless to learn how to swim.

18. Get friends of my own. Most of my friends are either family or somehow connected to family.

19. Learn to cook. Everyone should probably know how to cook.

20. Be grateful everyday. Thinking about all the good things in life should help me to press on.

21. Get back in touch with Piwok. She's probably the oldest friend I have, and it's ridiculous that I've lost touch with her. (Feb. 5 2007)

22. Eliminate mindless distractions. I've already started on this one by removing quite a few games and other distractions from my computer. I've also vowed to limit my tv watching to four specific shows. (Feb. 5 2007)

23. Start performing again. Today, while stringing my guitar, I actually began to miss it. (Feb. 5 2007)

24. Clean stuff up. (Feb. 7 2007)

25. Look up HTML tags to update this blog. (Feb. 7 2007)

26. Stop pacing. It doesn't do anything good for anyone involved. (Feb. 9 2007)

27. Challenge myself. (Feb. 13 2007)