Today I was pretty upset and couldn't really tell why or how I was upset. Was I depressed? Was I tired? Was I frustrated? Was I freaking out? Was I. . . ? I didn't even know what to ask myself to find out if I was that or not. So I was talking to my Dad on the phone, and he said, "You're tired," meaning emotionally, spiritually, and mentally tired, not physically. And I was like Charlie Brown in front of Lucy's little psychiatry stand: "THAT'S IT!" I'm tired of this constant uncertainty, this longing to contribute, this nagging feeling that I should've taken a right at Albuquerque. I am walking toward a concrete goal now (even though I have a list of goals--publishing, starting a family, etc., etc.--they all seem somewhat abstract and far off right now) instead of pacing around aimlessly with occasional detours of purpose*. But I'm still tired. I'm damnnearthirty, and I'm just starting the path that most people start in high school. Just being damnnearthirty makes me tired. Trying to decide which nursing program I want to go into makes me tired. Trying to decide which class I absolutely have to get this summer in order to have a chance at any nursing program makes me tired. Taking simple but poorly written placement tests because they wouldn't have time to evaluate my transfer credits before the deadline to enroll for summer classes makes me tired. Trying to find a way to contact the instructor and ask him if it will be okay for me to miss a week of class for the conference makes me tired. Not finding a way to contact the instructor makes me tired. Tiredtiredtired.
So I was talking to my sister. "I don't know why I'm so upset right now." "You're scared." "THAT'S IT!" I'm tired, and I'm scared. I've finally picked something, and it terrifies me. But it's not clear why. School has never been that difficult for me. When I envision myself as a nurse, I like what I see myself doing. Why am I so scared? I think it's because I'm putting things in line to do stuff. The procrastinator does not do stuff. That's why I started the blog. To do stuff. It's a little overwhelming. I mean, my notdoingstuffness has left many aspects of my life to shrivel away. But in notdoingstuff I've also managed to build some crazyamazing aspects in my life (especially all of the beautiful people) that I would hate to weaken or lose. What if doingstuff fixes the stuff I hate about my life but unsettles the stuff that I love? Heh. Sounds like I'm begging for another pep talk. I'm not. But feel free to pep away if you'd like. I'm just saying, today I didn't know how I was upset, but tonight I know that I'm tired and scared. But I'll be alright.
*I stole the whole walking toward a concrete goal vs. pacing around aimlessly thing from z-man.
I'm grateful that today is almost over (20).
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2 comments:
I say you're a spaz. With all the things that are racing through your head and making you spaz even more, I have another one for you. You could probably get some scholarship money because your a dude and there are scholarships specifically for dude nurses. The AAMN Foundation Scholarships for Men (dudes) might work out for you. You might be too late to get it for the summer, but maybe for next fall or winter semesters. So now you can stress about money. Nice!
It's so easy for me to say and so difficult for you to do, but an attitude change about your life decisions would be beneficial. "Wow, I'm going to be a nurse. That rocks!" is way better than, "Oh my stars. How can I make such a huge life choice when it's so late in the game." Go ahead, wait one more year, then it'll be that much more of a scary position to be in.
Last thing...if you're really serious about health care, then get yourself a part-time job at one of your local hospitals. You have two very large hospitals to choose from, not to mention quite a few clinics in your area. I worked at IRMC and they hired phlebotomists right off the street and trained them in house (FYI, phlebotomists are dudes who draw blood). Being a phleb gives you lot's of exposure to what goes on in a hospital and some practice for what's to come. I wouldn't send a resume if I were you. I'd show up at the lab or at human resources and express your interest. Let it go from there.
Whatever you end up doing, good luck in the next few days/weeks. That's my pep talk...dude.
Dude, I am a spaz. I'm such a spaz that by the time I got to reading your wonderful pep talk I was thinking to myself, "Dude, I'm gonna be a nurse! That's better than pudding but not quite as good as ice cream. But close." I'm quite excited about my current path.
Thank you for telling me about the dude scholarships. I will definitely look into it. I had not heard about it until yesterday when I read your comment. Awesome. Usually the special scholarships are for chicks.
Oh yeah, WORK at a hospital. I had contemplated volunteering at a hospital or some medical facility once I figured out what was going on with summer classes. But yeah, money's nice. At least, that's what I hear. I'd like to find out for myself one of these days.
Thanks again and again.
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