Homeless

So, I'm here at my parents's house after the holiday weekend. I'm heading back to my sister's later in the afternoon, but I haven't posted in a few days and I want to get this thing updated while I have the chance. The first sentence and the clause that followed it to start this post reflect a recent revelation of mine: I have no home. After spending a few weekends here at my parents's house, I realize that it depresses me. A lot. The house has come to be a symbol of everything that I've been struggling against in the past few months, and it depresses the hell out of me. Earlier, I went up into my room to gather my stuff up, and I nearly started crying. It was as if the room was haunted by the daysmonthsyears of my life that I had killed in the space, and I was overwhelmed by the loss of such valuable time. I may not be able to come back here until I get my life a little more in order. However, I'm not really at home at my sister's house either. Her family has done so much to make me feel comfortable and at home, but it will always be their house. I will always feel the need to ask before doing certain things. I will always feel like I'm not contributing as much as I should. I will always feel slightly out of place and in the way. And there's nothing anyone can do to change it. It's the way things probably should be. I'm extended family, not immediate family. I should be living in my own place, making my own immediate family. I'm planning on using my lack of a home as motivation to get my shit together and get out on my own. Not my sister's own. My own. I need an all out attack on the job market. . . On that note: I got another job rejection today. It was actually a position that I don't even remember applying for. . .

While here at my parents's, I got out my classical guitar for the first time in a long while. I had forgotten about how soothing playing the classical guitar can be when compared with playing a regular acoustic. I'm considering taking the classical guitar back to my sister's, but I'm not sure if there's enough space for me to have two guitars there right now. . . That's it for now.

"Homeless, homeless
Moonlight sleeping on a midnight lake." Paul Simon, "Homeless"

I'm grateful for always having a roof and clothes and food, even though I've been homeless and jobless for quite some time now (20).