Tired

Ok, ok, ok. Sorry for the extreme lack of postage. . . Heh, I was trying to be cute by inventing a word, but instead came up with one that already exists. . . I'm still having a bit of a hard time finding a place to post in my new setting. I like to be alone while I'm posting (or doing any sort of writing, for that matter), but the only Internet access in the house is in the one room that always has someone in it. We're working on alternatives, so hopefully things will get settled soon. For now, I'll probably start working on these posts offline and then just end up cutting and pasting them into the blog. . . Another factor in my no-post haste has been that I've been so tired lately. Adjusting to a new place is tiring. Looking for a job is tiring. Exercising is tiring. Spending a lot of time around kids (no matter how cute and lovable) is tiring. On top of all these factors, yesterday I went and got a preventive medicine for my headaches that promises to make me drowsy for the next week or two while I adjust to it. . . So, by the end of the day, I just don't feel like posting. . . Excuses. Excuses. Excuses. The procrastinator's best friend. . .

As far as what I've been doing: I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew. I've actually babysat them several times in the week that I've been at my new location. Which is good because it makes me feel like I'm at least contributing a little to the household. I've been running on a nearly daily basis. I'm still struggling to adjust to running outside. I tend to start at a pace that's way more than I can handle for any distance, and the hills are killing me. Several people have suggested that I try running in some of the 5ks that happen virtually every weekend in the area, and I'm hoping that maybe within a month I'll be in shape to do that. . . With the kids always underfoot, I haven't had as much of a chance to do much of my Yoga video. Plus, I'm too tall for the house and tend to bump my hands against the ceiling for some of the upward reaching poses. However, I did take down the phone number of a yoga/tai chi school just down the road, and am going to look into taking classes there. I figure that might be a good way to start meeting some people too. I've also taken down the number for one of the nearby martial arts schools. It seems that the only options specifically in this town are taekwondo, tang soo do, and combat hapkido, but there are many other options in the surrounding cities. The only style of the three that I'm interested in is hapkido, but I'm not familiar with combat hapkido, which is a modernized/"practical" version of the traditional style. In my experience, when a self-defense style is deemed "practical," it's often a brawling kind of style that tends to emphasise the physical and to overlook the mental and spiritual aspects of the martial arts (focusing on the martial and not the art, if you will). So I have some reservations going into it, but I figure it's at least worth a quick look. They offer a free first lesson, so. . . I've applied to several crap jobs around the area. I'm probably most excited with the prospect of working at a book store. Actually, having an employee discount at a book store might be a bad thing for someone like me. I have a bit of a problem when it comes to books: I like to buy them. I have boxes full of books yet to be read because I have such a hard time resisting a good book when I find it. . . In a couple of weeks, there is going to be a freelance writer's convention at the local community college. Writers from around the state will gather, and there will be lectures on all sorts of topics and plenty of opportunities to network and chat with people who have experience in what I want to do with my life. So I WILL be going to that. It should also be a good place to meet people from the area with interests similar to mine. . .

That's enough for now. I know that my recent posts make it seem like I'm completely depressed on every day, but that isn't really accurate. I have as many (if not more) good days as I have bad and quite a few neutral days crammed in between. For some reason, I've only been posting on the bad days though. From here on out, I'm going to share more of the good days with you folks than I have been recently. Actually, I'm hoping to get back to sharing every day with you folks. But if I don't, I'll at least get in more of the good.

I'm grateful for Dr. Seuss's Oh, the Places You'll Go (20).

The Waiting Place. . .
. . .for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Sorry for the downer

Today was bad, bad, bad all around. I feel completely drained of everything I ever had. I've mostly given up all the little comforts--tv, junk food, poker, video games, etc.--that I used to turn to on those days when I felt down. I've moved. I'm exercising. I've overhauled my diet. I'm applying for jobs. I've changed so many aspects of my life, and nothing is working. I still get headaches. I could barely run a mile and a half today. I seem to pace more than ever. Potential employers only give me the bare minimum, if any, response. My book is not close to completion, and I have serious doubts about its merits. I may have moved out of my parents' house but only to move in to my sister's family's house, an act which I would hardly call independent. I'm seriously starting to doubt that I will ever get married or have kids. That may not be so bad, as I'm currently not especially fit to be either a husband or a father, and it might not be fair to put a wife and kids through my insecurities. . . The selfishness continues: Today, my sister put my nephew on the toilet in preparation for potty training, and he went to the bathroom on the toilet. For those of you who are not parents, this step is a pretty big one, and the whole family was very excited about it. Well, the whole family except me that is. While this milestone was spreading joy throughout the house, all I could think was, 'I'll never have this.' How selfish is that? A big, happy moment, and all I could think about was myself. What a dick. . . Sometimes people wonder why I'm so stressed out when I have no job, no mortgage, no school, no children, no wife, no 'real' worries. I'm not sure. But not having anything 'real' to worry about is making me seriously worry. I'm hanging on by a thread here. Sorry for the downer today. But I need to try to update this thing far more often than I have been lately, and I don't want to lie about this. Instead, I'll be brutal. My life sucks, and there doesn't seem to be any sign of light coming from the other end of the tunnel, which makes me think that maybe I've somehow buried myself in a cave. Sorry. You guys don't need to read this crap. . .

I'm grateful for that last flicker of hope (20).

Um, yeah, so. . . Yeah. Life's a little hectic right now. I just moved in with my sister's family. Still trying to adjust to things and to establish my routines again. In a few days I should have things worked out, and I hope to post on a daily basis again. I think the change of location is going to be good for me. Having access to a bigger city has me quite optimistic. Plus, the daily doses of cuteness from my niece and nephew are bound to do me some good. I'm tired right now and shouldn't be trying to write anything. But I've been getting flack about the lack of posts for the last couple of days, so here I am writing with only half of my wits about me. So here comes some more news on my fingernails. I had been allowing the nails on my thumb, index-, middle-, and ring-fingers of my right hand to grow for my guitar playing. But now that I'm going to be around kids a lot, I think that it would probably be best if my primary ticklers did not have blades sticking out of them. Also, I was told that the fingernails are kind of gross. So I just wanted everyone to know that I cut all my fingernails today and will no longer have the guitar string pluckers that I've been enjoying for the past week or two. I figure that now that I have established my fingernails as characters for this blog, I need to keep you all up to date on their activities. . . Early today, I remember thinking "I have to write about this in my next post," but I can't remember what "this" was. I apologize for depriving you of "this." If I remember, I'll include it in a later post.

I'm grateful for everyone who has ever let me live with them (20).

The coolness of snug unawareness

Is there a way to improve yourself without being so self-involved? I've been thinking about this whole process of mine, and I realize that I've been quite selfish. I evaluate a situation based on what good it will do for me, will it help me to be closer to who I want to be? I lean on people who have problems far bigger than merely being dissatisfied with their lives, people who don't have the time to hold my hand and counsel me. Even this blog is all about me. All of the readers that I personally know have real-life problems to deal with. And what do I give them? Poor me. I don't have a job. I'm sad. . . Bah. That should be an item on the list.

29. Always try to consider others.

I haven't been doing this enough lately. I keep people up when they need to sleep. I ask people for help when I know they are busy. Heck, tomorrow I'm moving in with my sister's family for a while. I was so caught up in wanting to change my situation that I didn't even consider the fact that her family has a small house, several kids, and all the problems that go along with having a small house and several kids. They really need a squatter right now.~ But, actually, they do need a babysitter tomorrow night. So, even if I am a big ol' mooch, maybe I'll at least be a somewhat helpful mooch. . .

The selfishness hasn't been all bad, though. Because I am so caught up in myself and how I relate to the world and how the world relates to me, I'm suddenly finding meaning in everything I encounter; songs, movies, books, poems, a kindly old man, a caged dog, a shoe in the road, a smile, a hug, proximity. Everything seems more important than it once did. As I have no idea how long this state of mind will last (hopefully forever), I'm trying to force myself to encounter things that I want to give meaning to. I'm going on walks, putting myself around people, reading my favorite poets and authors, listening to my favorite music, studying the Bible and the Koran and the Tao Te Ching, and trying to absorb as much meaning as I can while I'm still receptive to it. I should be spending more time with the people I respect and care about. But I think they already have great meaning to me. . . I may be indulging in some more selfishness right now, but I feel like sharing some more quotes (an entire poem in one case) that I have found meaningful lately:

What is the use of running when we are not on the right way?
--German Proverb

Man Shall not live by bread alone. . .
--Matthew, 4:4

Many loves entail great costs,
Many riches entail heavy losses.
--Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

truth

And if sun comes
How shall we greet him?
Shall we not dread him,
Shall we not fear him
After so lengthy a
Session with shade?

Though we have wept for him,
Though we have prayed
All through the night-years--
What if we wake one shimmering morning to
Hear the fierce hammering
Of his firm knuckles
Hard on the door?

Shall we not shudder?--
Shall we not flee
Into the shelter, the dear thick shelter
Of the familiar
Propitious haze?

Sweet is it, sweet is it
To sleep in the coolness
Of snug unawareness.

The dark hangs heavily
Over the eyes.
--Gwendolyn Brooks

Life is like a movie. Write your own ending.
--Kermit the Frog

Yeah. I know I'm pretentious. Give me time. I'll come out of it.

The Waiting

If you hadn't noticed, I haven't been updating this blog as frequently as i did when I first started it. That's mostly because, as Thursday's post would indicate, I've kind of hit a wall, and my spirits have been a bit down. When I started, I was very motivated, confident, optimistic, driven, etc., etc., etc. But now. . . I had expected more progress in more areas of my life at this point. I know that real change takes real time and real work, and I didn't really expect the process to be easy. But when I went into this all, I kind of hoped it would be. I was hoping it would be like in the movies: I declare my plan for self-improvement, then there's a heroic montage of clips of me panting on the treadmill, falling over while attempting warrior I, sitting at a table with dozens of classified sections from dozens of papers spread out before me, frantically typing at my laptop, running on the treadmill and sweating a little less, taking my first swim class, then maybe a heartwarming clip involving me and the charming roommate who barely gets any lines, and then a closing shot of me, triumphant yet tranquil, perfectly balanced in warrior I. Then in the next scene I would be exactly who I want to be, and everything would finally start to align. But this damn montage is taking sooooo long. . . But I'm good. I'm closer to peace of mind again. I think yoga helped me a lot today. I wasn't going to do it, but my mom (20) convinced me that today of all days I needed it the most. And she was right. So thanks. . . So does this qualify as a sign: The past several days I've been getting sicker and sicker and sicker of waiting and waiting and waiting. And that's how I phrase it when I'm thinking to myself, "I'm sick of waiting." And I was thinking that very thing when I manufactured some errands. "I'm sick of waiting." I was thinking it when I left the house to do these errands. "I'm sick of waiting." I was thinking it just before I started my car. "I'm sick of waiting." Then when the car started, the radio blared, louder than I think my car radio has ever been, "The waiting is the hardest part," exactly at that point of the song. Not the verse. Not the bridge. But the chorus. Right at the point that so matched my mental state. Amen, Lucky. Amen. (boy, that pop culture allusion may have missed everyone) Funny (ironic?) that I'm having such trouble with waiting during Lent, the time of waiting, when I haven't had any trouble waiting in the past. . . I meant to write about how nice people are again today. The barber, the clerks, the owner, and all the other folks I met during my time among the living today were so nice and friendly. Before this blog, I somehow missed or forgot how good and welcoming most people are.

I'm grateful for the best haircut I've had in a while (20). I know this seems a little superficial compared to some of the things in the post that I could've picked to include here. But it's a really nice haircut.

Lyrics for day-seizing

First, the no-post from last night was due to some late-night Halo activity spotted just outside of town. It was unfortunate, but unavoidable. . . Also, I wanted to thank both piwok (20) and twinsissy (20) for the advice after the last post. I am planning on following the suggestions offered by both of you. But I have another something in the mix (which isn't quite ready for blogging yet) that I want to get taken care of first. . . Today was mostly running around town, taking care of whatever errand I could think of or create as a reason to leave this damn room. Therefore, instead of boring you with my trips to Wal-Mart, K Mart, Walgreens, Big Lots. . . You get the point? So, instead of this boredom: some more song lyrics:

"Why you at the bar if you ain't poppin' the bottles?
What good is all the fame if you ain't fuckin' the models?
I see you drivin', sportscar, ain't hittin' the throttle," Nelly, "Hot in Herre"

"Imagine you go away,
on a business trip one day,
and when you come back home,
your children have grown and you've never made your wife moan." Regina Spektor, "The Ghost of Corporate Future"

"My my my, it's a beautiful world.
I like sleepin' with Marie.
She is one sexy girl full of mystery.
She says she doesn't love me but she likes my company.
For now that's good enough for me." Colin Hay, "Beautiful World"

I'm grateful for music (20).

No post last night, lame post tonight

Ok, so not having a job is really starting to piss me off. I'm trying to keep positive, but shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. . . Shit. I need more to do. I need anything to do. I need to be around people. I need to be out of this house. Just to get out of the house, I almost went to a movie that was showing for free on campus, even though I really, really, really did not want to see it. But my dad arrived just before I left and said "What about the Michigan State basketball game?" and that was enough reason for me to not go. That in itself is kind of lame on my part. I know. . . I need a job. I'm so damned tired of waiting for the next part of my life to start. I don't want to get too involved in anything around town because I don't want to make a commitment and then end up leaving town for a job. But I'm so sick of sitting in this cursed room, playing guitar, typing words to be rewritten, and waiting, waiting, waiting. A year of waiting. More than that if you count the years in college when I was waiting to finish my degree. Fuck. John Lennon. Life is what happens when you're waiting for. . . I can't remember. Something else to arrive? I don't know. I don't want to look it up right now though. . . Any suggestions? What do you do when you don't have enough to do but don't know how much time during which you're not going to have enough to do? What the hell was that sentence? This post. . . Whiplash huh? The other day, the walk was good for me. But. . . I need something. . .

I'm grateful for March Madness (20).

Happy Summer

Boy. I wrote a lot today. I'm writing a lot lately in general. Lots of different kinds of writing too. But that's not what I want to blog about tonight. Tonight, I want to blog about the walk I took this afternoon. But first: How about this weather? Man. Beautiful. So beautiful that I decided I had to go out and walk in it this afternoon even though I had already done my time on the treadmill in the morning. Actually, if it's like this again tomorrow, I'll probably just run outside. But back to the walk. It was great. It was almost like meditation. I just walked my mind clear, listening to the sounds of nature mingling with humans. I felt so at ease that I wanted to say hello to everyone I passed, but at first most of the people wouldn't even make eye contact. Then I realized you have to kind of force people into eye contact. If you look at a person the whole time they're approaching, they're bound to look at you at some point and then inadvertently make eye contact, thus freeing you to say hi all you want. . . Did that last bit read as weird as it felt writing it? . . Later I ran into a man who was taking advantage of the thaw by shoveling the remainder of ice from his driveway. I said hi to him, and he said hi back and then laughed. The laugh took me off guard, so I stopped a second and ended up chatting with the fellow for maybe a minute or two. Nothing of any real import was spoken, but it was nice to be out in the air, sharing pleasantries with a complete stranger. Soon after, I decided to stop at the gas station that wasn't far from where I was and to pick up a couple of papers to check the classifieds. While in the gas station, I encountered another fellow who seemed to be putting on a show. He was very chatty with the cashier, but he kept turning around and looking at me as if he were performing this dialogue for the whole room to experience. I couldn't help but laugh with him as he tried to figure out how to spell the word thirty for the check that he was writing. He was fun. Then as I headed home, a little girl was riding her bike on the sidewalk. When she got close to me, she threw her arms in the air and shouted, "No hands!" She seemed so pleased with herself that I gave her a little ovation. She was cute.

Not long after I returned from the walk, I got a phone call from my gooddearfriend. She was making her annual Happy Summer calls. Apparently, she calls a bunch of people on the first day that feels like summer and wishes them all a happy summer. What a sillyfun thing for her to do. And today was indeed a happy summer day.

I'm grateful for people (20).

the weekend and today

The past weekend was good for me. I saw a decent movie, 300; got dragged around by my niece and nephew, do you wanna go play in the toy room? do you wanna go play in the toy room? the toy room is so fun, let's play in the toy room; and visited with a very good, dear friend of mine. I'm not really sure what else to write about as far as the weekend goes. It was good, but nothing other than the daily grind type of things that I've already posted about too many times happened that could be applied to the list. I might be able to stretch things a bit and force some of the events into the list, but that wouldn't be fair to these events. . . What am I even typing about? . . Sorry. Distracted mind. . . Anyway, my gooddearfriend did convince me to finish a guitar project I started several years ago, and also pointed me to this website which will help me to take my treadmill act on the road and terrorize the fair citizens of this fine metropolis of mine. . .

I went to a Catholic church service yesterday. Most of my readers probably know that I am neither Christian nor affiliated with any sort of organized religion. Nonetheless, the service actually had a pretty big impact on me. The homily was all about putting aside prejudice and trying to see people for who they are. . . I'm having a hard time figuring out a way to sum up the homily without bringing up God because I've never been comfortable talking about the subject. But it was a good homily. I also really appreciated the parts of the service when the audience interacted with each other. First everyone greets the people sitting around them. Then later is the whole "Peace be with you" experience recently made infamous by Dane Cook. I liked the interaction though, this encouragement to not shy away from the people who surround you. And the wishes of "Peace" seemed to be reminders that we're all struggling through life, we are all in it together and should offer our support and best wishes to everyone. I maybe didn't get everything right about this stuff though. But still, I was amazed by how welcomed I felt. I had always felt excluded, shunned, by organized religion. But I think I was maybe wrong about that. I'm still not a Christian, but the service definitely helped my spiritual development. . .

Heh. I'm so uncomfortable about what I just wrote that I'm not going to proof it.

Today was spent mostly catching up for the hour lost to daylight-savings time and the lost time spent on the road. . . I wrote some today, worked just a little on the previously mentioned guitar project, and continued on with the job hunt.

I'm grateful for my gooddearfriend (20).

My Underwear

If you're wondering why I'm smiling, it's because I'm wearing new underwear. That's right. So if any of you see me in the next nine days, there's a pretty good chance you'll be seeing the debut of a new pair of underwear. And I give you permission, if you do happen to see me in the next nine days, to ask how my new underwear is treating me.

Today was exciting as far as the job hunt goes. A lot of writing jobs were just posted here in the state. I found six that I would be appropriate for, and maybe four or five more that are way out of my league but I'm still considering applying for anyway. So, it would be really really nice to be able to get one of these jobs that don't involve selling things and don't have the word assistant in the title. But I'll take one of those other jobs if I must. Though, my track record seems to indicate that those other jobs aren't interested in me just yet.

I'll be out of town for the weekend. Yes, I'll have access to the Internet, but I'm not sure what will be going on, and I don't want to stop if I'm doing something just so I can update the blog. So if I miss a post tomorrow and Sunday, don't worry. I'll be coming right back at you on Monday with all (or at least some) of the details. But I'll try to get a post in on at least one of the two days, if not both.

Here's some more lyrics that caught me today:

"And if you look at your reflection,
Is that all you want to be?" Nine Inch Nails, "Right Where It Belongs"

"I know there's a big world out there
Like the one I saw on the screen
In my living room late last night
It was almost too bright to see." The Postal Service, "This Place is a Prison"

I'm grateful for the treadmill (20).

Yesterday

Sorry, sorry, sorry. No post for you. Yesterday wasn't that interesting, and I wasn't in the mood to embellish. Today wasn't that interesting. I wrote a lot (2.1). Writing felt better than it has since I got sick. It seems my mind is finally clearing even if my sinuses are not. Stupid germs.

WARNING: If you have a weak heart, back problems, or are pregnant, you may not want to read the following passage as it is packed full of heart-stopping, spine-chilling, labor-inducing action. . . That's right. I'm going to blog about cutting my fingernails.

So, today I cut my fingernails. It went pretty well. I didn't leave any jagged edges or cut down far enough to bleed or make any of the other common nailclipping mistakes. . . I'm not really going to write any more about nailclipping. The reason I'm bringing it up is that I play the guitar. Right now, I probably enjoy playing fingerstyle guitar better than any other style. However, I haven't fully commited myself as a fingerstylist and tend to clip my fingernails from time to time. Then, when I go to play guitar, I'm like, "Damn. Why'd I clip my nails. Now I can't properly pluck the strings." That happened today. But I don't like having long fingernails. At a certain point, I feel like I'm going to hurt myself or others with them. I don't know if there's a point to this. I just kind of figured that people who felt like they weren't getting their money's worth because there wasn't a post yesterday need to know the super-interesting things that are keeping me occupied these days. You didn't miss much.

I'm grateful for typing (20).

I haven't been seeing as much of me around. . .

The Procrastinator house got a new scale today, and. . . well. . . it seems as though in the past month I've lost at least ten pounds and maybe as much as twenty pounds. I'm not completely sure of what I weighed coming into the month, but I do have a ballpark range of about ten pounds that I'm fairly confident I fell in. So, yeah, I'm back pretty close to my high school weight. I guess the treadmill and yogalates combined with not eating chocolate and fast food have been good for my body. I still have a bit of flab in my gut area, but I'm pleased with the results. My goal in the diet and the exercise had nothing to do with weight loss. I was mostly just interested in them for general health reasons. But it feels good to have some sort of quantifiable proof that I am making progress.

I worked on cover letters today, but I didn't send any out. When I sent out my first cover letter, I was under the misguided impression that the sooner I sent it out, the sooner I would hear back. Now I'm fairly certain that that's not the case. Unfortunately for that first cover letter, it kind of stank. I was in such a rush to get it out there that I didn't take the time to make sure it was good. So now I've implemented a one day waiting period before sending out cover letters. That way I have time to look over and, more importantly, think over what I've written and how it could be better. I know. Maybe I should consider doing something like that with my writing for this blog. Well, if I believed that my blogging would bring in a paycheck if I put more effort into it, I would probably put more effort into it. For now, you're stuck with inconsistent writing and mostly mundane material (how's that for alliteration?).

Weeded out some more crap today. I'm giving serious consideration to selling my bass equipment. I don't use it anymore and could probably live for over a month off of what it's all worth. Even if I did get myself into a mindset where I was looking to play in a group again, I would probably want a simpler setup now anyway. Plus, I still have my guitars which I enjoy playing by myself more than I enjoy playing bass by myself. But bass is definitely more fun as part of a group. . . I don't know yet. It's hard for me to let go.

I'm grateful for careerbuilder.com (20).

today

Today was good. Really good. There's something strangely empowering about going through your stuff with a mindset of getting rid of crap. It lets me pretend that I'm an elitist snob: You? You're crap. I have no use for you. You are beneath me. I don't even know how you got in here in the first place. But maybe I'll offer you to some of my friends and family because they aren't too good for crap like you. . . Nice. Huh? But it was a good experience for me. When you go through your stuff, you tend to stir up some memories. It turns out I have a lot of good memories. Makes me glad to know that I haven't wasted my whole life. . .

I found some more job postings that I'm interested in. So after the treadmill tomorrow, most of my morning will probably be spent writing cover letters and feeling uncomfortable because I'm trying to sell myself. But once I've successfully sold myself, that's when I'll start feeling the self-esteem rise again.

I have a lot of change. I mean I have five jars full of change. It's funny because I recently owe z-man some money, and I now have more than enough to pay him back in full in quarters. I think he would really enjoy handling that many quarters~. So maybe I should do it.

I'm not going to mention it every time I do some yogalates or run on the treadmill anymore. They're both pretty much fully assimilated into my daily routine. So I think it's probably unnecessary to keep bringing it up. I'll only mention them if something mentionable happens.

I'm grateful for memories and Heroes (20).

wal-mart logic

I just got back from Wal-Mart. I know. I know. But it's a small town. What do you want me to do?

While touring the happiest place on earth~, I decided to check out the book/magazine section. I absolutely never go into the book/magazine section at Wal-Mart because c'mon, it's Wal-Mart. Who needs that kind of depression? The books ranged from best-sellers to the pseudo-inspirational or pseudo-erotic paper backs that you would never put on bookshelves in the rooms of your house where you entertain company. The book selection was not much of a surprise to me. But the magazines, more specifically, how the magazines were organized, blew my mind. So they have lots of categories, like crafts, women, men, hobbies, sports, etc., etc. The two categories I would like to focus on now are hobbies and information. Of the two categories, which would you put Star Wars Insider in and which would you put Discover in? Apparently there is a lot of hard data in Star Wars Insider because it is catalogued under information. And I guess Discover has lots of articles on model trains, knitting, and Pokemon cards because it is catalogued under hobbies. And why was Black Belt magazine (maybe the top martial arts magazine today) under information and not under sports? I don't get it. Apparently Wal-Mart is its own universe where the laws of logic and fair-labor practices are different from those laws as we know them.

I've got to admit it's getting better

Today was close. Tomorrow should be full speed.

I did some work on my junk today. I have a lot of junk, and today I worked on weeding out the grade-A, useless junk and leaving the kind-of-neat/useful junk. I've realized a certain trait runs in the family, however. I, like my father, have a drawer full of various wires and cables and electronic doodads that I haven't used in years. I'm not even sure what some of these wires and cables and doodads are actually for. But I don't want to get rid of them because, what if I find the device that requires this particular doodad, and I am no longer able to use said device? Yeah. I know. It's lame. If I haven't used it in so long that I don't remember what it's for, I probably don't need to keep it. And I won't. There's just this little bit of a nag inside of me saying, 'You'll regret this. That thing could prevent World War III.'

While going through my junk, I came across my copy of The Adventures of The Stainless Steel Rat (a collection of three of the SSR books). I've decided I'm going to take a hiatus from reading Roth's The Human Stain so that I can reread the SSR books. I have this love/hate relationship with Roth and most of his work. First off, he has truly mastered the language. He really understands the intricacies of words and which word of the handful with similar meanings is the best to convey whatever he is trying to convey. I wish I had a lexicon like his. Also, he really gets behind his characters. I get the feeling that he loves his characters a great deal. Unfortunately, for me, his love of his characters and his love of his language often seem like a self-congratulatory egostroke. I concede that there is an above-average amount of arrogance in virtually every writer. After all, the whole act of pursuing authorship as a career requires one to be a bit full of one's self: 'I have something in my head that is so mind-blowingly amazing that I must put it on paper so that other people may read it and put it into their heads, thus blowing their minds as well.' But Roth seems to go even beyond the usual author wankery. I mean, do I really need to read a couple of pages reflecting on the sensual carnality of cows? Also, at one point Roth forced into the mix a character/device that had no business being there. Then, after the incident, it was as if he felt bad about having done this and forced in a short justification for his actions a la Dickens in his infamous tying up of every loose end in every story he ever wrote.

Heh. Maybe I should call this blog, "The Procrastinator Wastes Other People's Time As Well As His Own." That was a lot of text just to say that I'm going to stop reading the book I'm currently reading, and start reading a new one.

But yeah, most of my achievement for today revolved around junk. I did walk on the treadmill. Tomorrow I should be back to a run.

I'm grateful for Harry Harrison (20).

The return of the king

Today was a seriously nothing day. I started off with the best intentions, got on the treadmill in the morning. But nothing came of anything after that. Actually, nothing came of anything including that. I'm still kind of weak from being sick. So I decided not to push myself with running and to just walk today. I couldn't even walk a mile. My vision got kind of blurry and my head got kind of funny and I decided I needed to stop. I was convinced that yesterday was the last day of this crap. But today I did nothing but loaf around, slipping in and out of sleep. Kind of frustrating when I want so much to be accomplishing right now. I hate being sick. How have I tolerated a lifetime filled with sickness? I am certain there are a fair number of people on this planet who know me solely as 'the guy who's sick all the time.' How do people keep from getting sick? For almost a month now, I've exercised every day that I haven't been sick (and some that I have). The food I'm eating as part of the headache diet is much healthier than the food I usually eat. I'm taking a vitamin daily. The flakes of skin on my hands seem to indicate that I wash my hands a fair number of times throughout the day. What else should I do? A flu shot? A mask? A bubble? I should quit whining. That's what I should do. Everyone hates being sick. But the thing is: I don't think I used to hate it. Whenever I got sick, I think I just chanted the procrastinator's mantra, 'tomorrow,' and then took a nap. But what about today?

Damnit. My mind is fuzzy, and I can't get an accurate cheese-to-goodness ratio on this post. So if I've typed with my cheesefingers tonight, eat up! I'm not really supposed to have cheese anymore anyway.

I'm grateful for playing the guitar in a candlelit room (20).

Alright, so I'm beginning to get tired of how redundant these posts have been lately: I exercised. I wrote. I applied for jobs. I cooked. Repeat. Since I've put quite a few of the items on the list on hold (procrasti-who?) until I get a job and settle in somewhere at least more permanent than my current location, I've decided to add to the list on those days that aren't especially eventful. So, here it is:

28. Swim with dolphins.

That one kind of depends on me completing number 5, so I think it's a good one. I saw someone swimming with dolphins on TV yesterday and thought, "I wonder what that feels like." Just by looking at it, I can't tell if it's enjoyable or not. But I like animals, so. . . It may be a while for this one. But I will get to it.

By the way, some of you may have noticed my repeated abuse of the language whenever I site number 20 and then thought to yourselves, "English major my ass." Ok, I realize that everyday is an adjective and is not interchangeable with every day. Maybe I drew that mistake out a little too long for it to really be considered temporary, but I'm still going to call it temporary insanity.

I'm grateful for crazyactivistprofessor (20).

ho-hum

Other than this morning's fever-induced panic, today was depressingly uneventful. I marked off some more jobs to apply for, but my brain is pudding and unable to come up with a good cover letter. That's all for tonight. I know I'm slacking on the list. Once I get over this bug (I know, I should've gotten a flu shot), I'll be all over the list again.

I'm grateful for Discovery HD Theater (20), possibly the best hi-def channel availible. Although, I could've gone without seeing the mating elephants.

Mellow

Breathe. You'll never get healthy if you don't calm the fuck down. You'll find a job, finish the book, get a life. Breathe. . .