Today was bad, bad, bad all around. I feel completely drained of everything I ever had. I've mostly given up all the little comforts--tv, junk food, poker, video games, etc.--that I used to turn to on those days when I felt down. I've moved. I'm exercising. I've overhauled my diet. I'm applying for jobs. I've changed so many aspects of my life, and nothing is working. I still get headaches. I could barely run a mile and a half today. I seem to pace more than ever. Potential employers only give me the bare minimum, if any, response. My book is not close to completion, and I have serious doubts about its merits. I may have moved out of my parents' house but only to move in to my sister's family's house, an act which I would hardly call independent. I'm seriously starting to doubt that I will ever get married or have kids. That may not be so bad, as I'm currently not especially fit to be either a husband or a father, and it might not be fair to put a wife and kids through my insecurities. . . The selfishness continues: Today, my sister put my nephew on the toilet in preparation for potty training, and he went to the bathroom on the toilet. For those of you who are not parents, this step is a pretty big one, and the whole family was very excited about it. Well, the whole family except me that is. While this milestone was spreading joy throughout the house, all I could think was, 'I'll never have this.' How selfish is that? A big, happy moment, and all I could think about was myself. What a dick. . . Sometimes people wonder why I'm so stressed out when I have no job, no mortgage, no school, no children, no wife, no 'real' worries. I'm not sure. But not having anything 'real' to worry about is making me seriously worry. I'm hanging on by a thread here. Sorry for the downer today. But I need to try to update this thing far more often than I have been lately, and I don't want to lie about this. Instead, I'll be brutal. My life sucks, and there doesn't seem to be any sign of light coming from the other end of the tunnel, which makes me think that maybe I've somehow buried myself in a cave. Sorry. You guys don't need to read this crap. . .
I'm grateful for that last flicker of hope (20).
I'm sure you've probably heard this many times before, but I'll type it anyway:
ReplyDeleteWhenever things seem to be at their worst is when something happens to make things better. Of course, maybe that's because there's not much else that could happen to make things worse.
And I, for one, am not wondering how you can be stressing out with nothing "real" to stress out about. Those can be the most stressful times.
Even with all this stuff, I am confident something will happen soon. It has to. You'll make something happen out of necessity.
First, don't you think that what you stress out about is all relative? I mean, if it's important to you then it's important to stress about. If you aren't concerned with competing in and winning a marathon, would you be laughing at someone who was? No, so your situation deems what is stressful at any given time. Who gives a crap what other people think. Right now, KP might need to put KP first.
ReplyDeleteSecond, you're always going to have headaches. It's about controlling the frequency and intensity so that you're less affected by them. I have had to miss work because of a migraine. I don't like it, and I don't do it very often (maybe once a year), but it happens. The fact that you've taken such great strides in your body as a whole to ward off an attack is a huge step. I bet your headaches are less frequent and I bet they pack a considerably lighter punch than in the past. If not, I'm sorry, that sucks and you'll have to figure something else out so you can function. So harsh!
You mentioned in an earlier post that you expected everything to fall into place quickly and the frustration that you feel because it's all much slower. Accept that. Maintain the progress you've made so far and add to it, a little bit every day or every week. Eventually, you'll get there. It takes time. You have to want it more than you've ever wanted anything. It's not easy making a life change this enormous. I don't think anyone reading this blog would have thought your list was a piece of cake, completion attainable in 1 month.
How about working on 14 and 23. You have two adorable audience members who would probably be overjoyed to listen. It might even feel like progress. Cheer up. People care about you.
Hey! I know you're doing better now...where's my update? :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with tz. You really shouldn't hold your fan club in such suspense.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. A new post is coming momentarily. Sorry for the delay.
ReplyDelete